


Bloody Hell

by Baroness_Blixen



Category: The X-Files
Genre: April Fools' Day, F/M, mulder thinks he's funny, pranks gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 11:49:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18314729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baroness_Blixen/pseuds/Baroness_Blixen
Summary: Happy April Fools’ Day! Mulder is just trying to pull a little prank on Scully... it doesn't go well.





	Bloody Hell

"Mulder, I-,"

Scully stops, her mouth hanging open, caught in a moment of confusion as the sweet, slightly metallic scent of blood wafts towards her.

Blood.

There's blood on the floor, in perfectly aligned dots, leading towards Mulder's desk, like a trail of breadcrumbs.

"Mulder!" Scully slips once and crashes her hip into the side of the desk, but she doesn't care. Mulder is on the ground, blood all over him. She's on her knees in an instant, her hands flying over his body to find a wound, gunshot or knife. There's too much blood. His shirt is soaked through and her tears fall freely, making it difficult to see.

"No, no, no," she mumbles as she tugs violently on his tie to find his pulse. That's when he sputters noises, vibrating under her touch. "Mulder?" This is not how it's supposed to happen. He is not dying here in their office, in a puddle of his own blood, on a Monday morning when their children are home, waiting for them to return. One of them too young to even to understand. The other one having lost too much already.

"Ouch," he says, his voice sounding strong. Relief washes through her; he's not dead. Now, if she could only find that wound and if she can stop the bleeding, if- the sound of Mulder's squeaky laughter makes her stop. He's laughing. His eyes are squinted shut, his whole body shaking and wreathing under her touch.

"You need to lie still, Mulder," she says, her bloody hand touching his cheek. She's dizzy from the sweet, sweet smell. She can taste it on her lips and it's almost sugary, almost not real. "I need to call an ambulance."

"Scully, no," he tries to sit up, his hand slipping in the blood, and crashing back down.

"You're hurt!" she screams, crying, as she scrambles for her phone, leaving bloody fingerprints all over her suit, all over everything.

"Scully, hey, look at me. Look at me, honey." His voice is insistent and she glances over at him. He's managed to sit up and he looks at her, blood dripping from his hair, and she wants to scream, wants to cradle his body in her arms and never let go. Until his lips twitch and turn upwards into a smile.

He should not be smiling at her like this. He shouldn't be smiling at all.

"April Fools," he says, a moment of guilt flickering on his face.

"What?" This can't be happening, she thinks again. Except this time it's not accompanied by terror. This time it's anger.

"I thought- it's April Fools' Day, Scully! I wanted to… you know."

"To scare me to death? Mulder, what is wrong with you?" In her hurry to get up from the floor, she slips again – those damn heels and that damn blood– and Mulder catches her. She struggles to get off his lap, the whole thing ridiculous and her fury intensifying, but he tightens his hold around her waist.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- I thought it was funny."

"You being hurt is never funny, Mulder. Not ever, in no way."

"I thought all this blood gave it away," he admits sheepishly. She looks around; it's a bloodbath.

"How did you – what is all this?" She sniffs her hand. Definitely sweet. But she's not Mulder and she doesn't dare to taste it.

"It's fake."

"Oh really?" She rolls her eyes at him. Mulder takes her hand into his and brings it to his mouth. He kisses her fingers one by one, his lips warm and sticks. "What is it? Where did you get it?"

"I made it myself. Try it."

"No, Mulder. I'm angry with you." Just to make her point, she slaps his shoulder. Some of the fake blood splashes upwards. The ludicrousness of it all almost makes her laugh. If she weren't still so angry. Her heart is slowing down, is no longer pounding in her chest. As much as she feels like hitting him, and yelling at him, she rests her hands on his chest. His own heart is beating steadily.

"I wanted to be funny."

"Well, you aren’t. Seriously, what were you thinking?" Scully slaps him again, harder this time and he winces. There's something wet on her cheek and she wipes at it, thinking it's Mulder's fake blood. When a sob escapes her, she realizes she's crying again.

"I'm truly sorry, Scully." His face is vulnerable and full of regret. Tears pool in his eyes and she watches them fall as she sobs silently. She catches one of his tears and as she wipes it away, she leaves a red stripe across his face. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I thought it was funny. You don't mind fake blood at Halloween."

For a man as smart as he is, Mulder can be incredibly dense.

"I don't mind the fake blood," she says, smearing more of it all over his face, finding herself unable to keep herself from smiling any longer, "I mind the possibility of you being dead. You will pay for this." Her words lose steam when she accentuates them with yet another sob.

"I will accept any kind of punishment you deem appropriate," he promises, crossing his heart.

"I'll think of something. Let's go home." She uses Mulder's shoulder to stand up before she puts her hands on the desk to steady herself. She doesn't offer him a hand when he tries to stand. He slips back and forth and curses under his breath. Scully chuckles.

"This you find funny?" he asks.

She'd confirm it, but she can't speak. Laughter is bubbling up inside of her. How are they going to make it out of the building looking like they do? Mulder looks like he's bathed in blood. It's in his hair and all over his face. She steps closer to him and kisses his cheek, tasting nothing but sweetness, with a hint of Mulder thrown in. He's always had bad taste; in food, in ties and in humor. And yet she loves him with all her heart. Next year she's going to get him for this.

She's going to get him good.


End file.
